Tuesday, October 17, 2006


I'm back home in Arizona and it feels like I have been gone a month. To say this has been a surreal week is an understatement. And to say it is the worst time in my children's lives couldn't be more of an understatement. Seeing them so sad and sobbing is killing me. I understand the need for their expressions of grief and am thankful that they aren't holding back. I cannot bear to see them cry, asking me why and hearing them beg for him back. I answer what I can and hold them as close as they want to be held. And cry with them for their loss.

And I am so mad at him. Mad that he didn't care enough to take care of himself for them. Mad that he made them cry like this. And mad about things I've found out about him since he passed.

There was nothing for me to do while they went to spend time with his family. I worried obsessively. And I knit. And knit. I knit an entire baby sweater while I waited. Something to keep my brain a little busy while I waited to be needed for a hug or a snuggle. And worried about my babies.

Thank you for your kind comments and emails. I'm trying to write everyone back slowly, but we all know how blogger sucks about comments. So I thank you from my heart. I needed every single one of them.

Posted by Heather at 3:30 PM


  1. Blogger Sarah posted at 4:00 PM  
    Heather, I am so sorry about what your children have gone through!!

    As Mother, I can't imagine!!!

  2. Blogger Pam posted at 4:51 PM  
    We're all here for you and for the kids. Time and your hugs are the only things that can really help them right now, but please know we're thinking of all of you.
  3. Blogger Jennifer posted at 5:57 PM  
    I'm so sorry your children and you are going through this. *hugs*
  4. Blogger kt posted at 10:03 PM  
    More love and hugs.

    There's no easy way through this, but it sounds to me like you are being the best mom and best person you can and your kids are lucky to have you.

    Hang in there and know that we're all sending our best.
  5. Anonymous eva posted at 6:10 AM  
    Mucho hugs to you all. I wish I could be there to give them to you in person.
  6. Anonymous Lee Anne posted at 6:21 AM  
    Oh Heather I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I lost my dad a few years ago and know how hard that part is. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. Sending bug hugs your way and if you need to talk I am always around these days. Take care and sending you all my best.

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