I'm back home in Arizona and it feels like I have been gone a month. To say this has been a surreal week is an understatement. And to say it is the worst time in my children's lives couldn't be more of an understatement. Seeing them so sad and sobbing is killing me. I understand the need for their expressions of grief and am thankful that they aren't holding back. I cannot bear to see them cry, asking me why and hearing them beg for him back. I answer what I can and hold them as close as they want to be held. And cry with them for their loss.
And I am so mad at him. Mad that he didn't care enough to take care of himself for them. Mad that he made them cry like this. And mad about things I've found out about him since he passed.
There was nothing for me to do while they went to spend time with his family. I worried obsessively. And I knit. And knit. I knit an entire baby sweater while I waited. Something to keep my brain a little busy while I waited to be needed for a hug or a snuggle. And worried about my babies.
Thank you for your kind comments and emails. I'm trying to write everyone back slowly, but we all know how blogger sucks about comments. So I thank you from my heart. I needed every single one of them.
Posted by Heather at 3:30 PM