I've been trying to blog for over 2 weeks now, but I can't. And I'm not quite sure why not. There was a time I was very, very depressed. To the point where I think Brian was pretty worried. I could have just curled up and slept for days. Feeling like I had been crying for days. Then came the feeling like I was a deflated balloon. Like nothing was left inside. That probably came right around the time we were informed the Star failed 2 classes and we had decided that there would be no Florida vacation for him. Or for us. I needed that break. Desperately needed that break. There has been fighting daily, moody silence and just all-around miserableness. It is a very, very sad thing when you don't want to really go home after work.
As I write this, I'm sure a few of you might wonder if I think my kids are horrible. No, they aren't. In fact, I think they are wonderful. Most of the time. I know things could be worse - I've seen what some of my friend's kids are doing and it horrifies me. But there are those moments of teenagerhood that break a mother's heart just a little. And it is hard.
For a very, very long time I have spread myself too thin. I give 110% at work - answering phone calls on weekends, checking email and going overboard in my efforts to please. I was a single mom for a long time - doing everything for everyone. And little for me. While that has gotten much better, I still find myself not taking care of me. And I think the lightbulb is finally bright enough where I can see how that is affecting my health, my happiness and relationships.
It has been tough, but I'm finally understanding that I shouldn't have guilt about carving time out for myself. I have realized that if I do carve out that time the house isn't going to blow up, the kid's won't need therapy and the world won't come to a crashing halt because I didn't answer a work email within 5 minutes of it being sent. Not only that, but carving out that time for me will actually make me a better mother, wife and friend.
There has been so many things I've wanted to do in the last few years. But guilt of time away from the kids kept me from doing that. I should have realized a long, long time ago that a little time away would have made me a better mother. And maybe they would enjoy our time together a little more.
So, I want to go back to school in January. What was my first thought? Oh no! I can't be away from home 2 nights a week! What would the kids do? I wouldn't be there for them as soon as I came home. What about Brian? The guilt crept in. But now I am starting to see things a little different.
Sorry if this is rambling, but I thought I should explain where I've been and where I'm going. I feel much, much better. As though there is another world of possibilities open to me now because a little of that guilt has lifted.
As soon as I can delete the pictures of the Princess kissing her boyfriend off MY camera, I'll post pictures of knitting. And I promise to be back very soon. Thank you for your support through the last month :)
Posted by Heather at 2:56 PM