Monday, June 05, 2006

thoughts

I've been trying to blog for over 2 weeks now, but I can't. And I'm not quite sure why not. There was a time I was very, very depressed. To the point where I think Brian was pretty worried. I could have just curled up and slept for days. Feeling like I had been crying for days. Then came the feeling like I was a deflated balloon. Like nothing was left inside. That probably came right around the time we were informed the Star failed 2 classes and we had decided that there would be no Florida vacation for him. Or for us. I needed that break. Desperately needed that break. There has been fighting daily, moody silence and just all-around miserableness. It is a very, very sad thing when you don't want to really go home after work.

As I write this, I'm sure a few of you might wonder if I think my kids are horrible. No, they aren't. In fact, I think they are wonderful. Most of the time. I know things could be worse - I've seen what some of my friend's kids are doing and it horrifies me. But there are those moments of teenagerhood that break a mother's heart just a little. And it is hard.

For a very, very long time I have spread myself too thin. I give 110% at work - answering phone calls on weekends, checking email and going overboard in my efforts to please. I was a single mom for a long time - doing everything for everyone. And little for me. While that has gotten much better, I still find myself not taking care of me. And I think the lightbulb is finally bright enough where I can see how that is affecting my health, my happiness and relationships.

It has been tough, but I'm finally understanding that I shouldn't have guilt about carving time out for myself. I have realized that if I do carve out that time the house isn't going to blow up, the kid's won't need therapy and the world won't come to a crashing halt because I didn't answer a work email within 5 minutes of it being sent. Not only that, but carving out that time for me will actually make me a better mother, wife and friend.

There has been so many things I've wanted to do in the last few years. But guilt of time away from the kids kept me from doing that. I should have realized a long, long time ago that a little time away would have made me a better mother. And maybe they would enjoy our time together a little more.

So, I want to go back to school in January. What was my first thought? Oh no! I can't be away from home 2 nights a week! What would the kids do? I wouldn't be there for them as soon as I came home. What about Brian? The guilt crept in. But now I am starting to see things a little different.

Sorry if this is rambling, but I thought I should explain where I've been and where I'm going. I feel much, much better. As though there is another world of possibilities open to me now because a little of that guilt has lifted.

As soon as I can delete the pictures of the Princess kissing her boyfriend off MY camera, I'll post pictures of knitting. And I promise to be back very soon. Thank you for your support through the last month :)

Posted by Heather at 2:56 PM

9 Comments

  1. Blogger Pam posted at 5:19 PM  
    I know all too well what you're describing. The depression that is, not the kid stuff. Kid's are a mystery to me and anyone who deals with them on a daily basis and doesn't kill them is obviously a saint. Therefore, you are a saint.

    Do you feel better now?

    We're all here for you. Feel free to call and wake me up and vent. Goddess knows I've done it to you.

    I vote Yes for school. If you don't take some time for yourself you won't have anything left to give to others. It's self-preservation really.
  2. Blogger sarah b. posted at 5:23 PM  
    My Mom went back to school when I was 12 and it was the best thing she could have ever done. I'm sure at the time she worried about the time away from me, but having her example of pursuing an education was critical in my decision to appreciate and excel in my college education. Just thought I'd share my experience.
  3. Blogger Sarah posted at 6:24 PM  
    OH MAN!!! You definitely need to go to school and do something for yourself.

    I understand what you are going through, not 100% but I do understand, and you can go back to school.

    No, the earth won't implode while you are there and I KNOW YOU CAN TOTALLY DO IT!

    I can knock the star into next week if you need it! ;)
  4. Anonymous Eva posted at 6:29 PM  
    I vote yes for school too! You need some time to yourself. And make sure that you are free to join us for happy hour on the 22nd. You deserve that too, damnit!
  5. Blogger Jennifer posted at 7:12 PM  
    You do need to take time for you. It's hard to do, I know. I'm slowly learning that I'm no good to my family, if I don't take care of myself as well.
  6. Blogger photogmichelle posted at 7:20 AM  
    Congratulations on going back to school. I think you'll really enjoy yourself. I wish I had the motivation to go back to school, you definitely do, you need time for yourself. The house, kids and Brian will be fine while you are learning something new.
  7. Blogger Nerdy Knitter posted at 10:15 AM  
    I'm so glad you're getting out from under the guilt--it's difficult to do. Congratulations for seeing the light--and for making positive decisions to take care of yourself. Figuring out that you need "me time" is a powerful moment--good for you!
  8. Blogger Nancy posted at 9:07 PM  
    If you want to go back to school, then you should definitely do it! You know that we're all here to support you in any way you need it!!

    Nancy
  9. Blogger Jody posted at 5:01 AM  
    Taking care of yourself is a must! I think that going back to school is a great idea. Then, add a weekly manicure or monthly massage...you work hard for everyone else, you deserve some perks for yourself.

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